post night shift!

Funny as it seems. From a student to a working adult, I am already starting my full time job in this hospital. Little did I know, I've already grown this far. I mean, I have gone through the journey being a kid and now an young adult. Unbelieveable. Life is amazing!

I have so many questions to be answered and I keep asking more question each day.

I don't know whether this is healthy? As I ask more questions each day, the more complicated the answers become and it lead me to more and more questions which needs more concrete answers. 

Questions as simple as "Why do we live in this world?". Okay, Allah created us to test us and reward/punish us in the hereafter. Why do we still go astray? Why do we still enjoy committing sins? Why sins are so hard to keep away. Why are we not created in a way where we have the ultra-most powerful ability to avoid all these nonsense. Why is there repent? Why is there 'taubat' again and again? Why is our sins be forgiven? How do Allah forgives such sins? Why is Allah so forgiving.

But when I ask all these questions, another voice inside me told myself, I musn't ask too much question because we are just born this way. 

rant

Just let me rant for a while before I start doing my FYP. (please don't read if you are already messed up! its not a good post to read actually, no, seriously! back off!)

1. I just need one person who is stable emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and spiritually. Reason being is although I might look all tuned and composed, I am such a big mess now. So when things get too messed up, I have a back-up to fall on which is this particular person whom I don't know who. I don't have a dad and a mom. I mean literally staying with me and comforting me. They are not directly helping me to be a person that I want to be. I am living on my own with a little sister in an empty house where both of us are struggling to live as normal as possible. I'm living on my own moral support. See, how messed up is that?

The person I can look up for now is idli. I'm not saying he's not good enough because I can't expect a 23 year old guy to be as strong as a father. But I've been pushing him because I need that strength and I cannot always be the one being the pillar. I cannot always live in a state of uncertainties and unanswered. In short, not stable. My life is full with i-dont-know and I don't need anymore of that.

It takes just one thing to mess the hell out of me. Go home and not finding my dad. It was okay at first but its been more than a week since he's back. I've got questions like where did he go? is he safe there? Is everything gonna be okay? To make things worst, my aunt called and ask where is my dad? So what I'm gonna answer her? "Tak tahu ayah mana?" Doesn't it show how bad child am I not responsible for my own parents well being? Somemore he's sick and blaah, don't know where he went to. This actually pressed me even further but I've always been pushing it as far as possible. I kinda getting sick and tired of it.

2. Duit. My HP bills has outstanding balance of $470 and the bursary is not even out yet. My money is gone buying groceries and to sustain myself. But it was insufficient. I'm not complaining but sometimes it just came out from my mouth.

3. I don't know how I survived my days in this POLY when there's not even a WIFI at home. Its not even convenient to do my school work here. THANK GOD ITS THE LAST SEMESTER! My parents cannot complain if my GPA is so lowwwww cos I'm trying my best to live normally.

4. The thing I kept telling myself at the end of the day is things gonna be alright, zira! At the same time, I keep telling myself "Things won't get easier...".  

Above all, actually I aint too sad about how bad is life. I just need one special motivation to keep me going for at least this 1 critical month left for school. And this explains why I post the blog entry right below this post. Not those, "Zira, I believe you can do well" kinda thing. Cos I might just tell you off "I also believe that you can shut your bloody mouth up and don't give such a philosophic kinda of advice which i can google it my fucking self".

I just need a moral booster like maybe someone who likes me confess to me? HAHAHA!

Falling in love

The best part about initial part of falling in love is the amazing feeling felt only by the two lovers.

The excitement especially getting texts from him.
The eagerness to meet him.
The I-always-find-myself-smiling thinking about how good it felt to be just together.
The first touch and kiss.
The good morning and good night texts.
The I will do anything for you spirits.
The world means nothing but you moments.

....
I miss that kind.

that extraordinary feeling

I woke up feeling this very sense of satisfaction. The feeling is so amazing like I can change the world!
Forcing myself to remember this feelings. Ahhhh...

Sky is the limit.

Random update!

Its been a while since i blogged. Thanks to my suddenly-kau-rosak-iPhone. Sho shad! Without the iPhone, i can't even do my school work at home la! Worst, i can't make/receive simple SMSes and calls. I lost trust in Apple products already. Its good that they provide a one-to-on exchange policy but the problem is there's ALWAYS problems with the phone upon the 90 days of exchange process. I'm thinking of getting a Samsung Note II. Goodbye, Apple. For the time being, me using Helmy's old phone. Sony Erricsson. Not bad ah.

I am having a bad sore throat for the past 5 days. It started with Helmy. Thank God that its only sore throat and no fever. If fever, more leceh. So nowadays, I keep telling myself to have enough rest and drink lots and lots of water. You'll see me rushing to the toilet every now and then. Hope to get well as soon as possible.I guess it was my fault getting sick cos before this I don't really drink much water because I was lazy to bring my big water bottle to school. -____- Serve you right, Zira!

Hmmmm, oh yes. Ayah decided not to sell the house and Mak don't agree to stay with us no more. After this, Ayah will stay Bedok, Mak will stay Yishun. Both don't get us since both will blame each other for being "selfish" if either one of them stay with us. If Mak wanna get married, she has to rent a house else where. I really hope she don't get married to that ________. We might need 3 years to stablize our CPF contribution to buy another house.

Hmmmm, somemore what eh. Oh yes, FYP. Sometimes I just wanna kick myself upside down cos I'm not progressing!!! WAKE UP, ZIRAAAAAA!! DO SOMETHING!!!

Outcome

I knew it. I was blasted by two people. My mom and my aunt. Poor me becoming a messenger.

Mak reluctant to move in to Bt Batok again. She wants the house to be sold.

While discussing, my migraine attack came. Was so stress out that my aunt had to pull my hair to release the tension.

Eat panadol and it doesn't work at all. Parents matter I yang kene handle. Nasib la I tak jadi minah rep. Family buat hall carik kawan tak betul. Proud of myself.

Strive to do better! InsyaAllah.

"Never ever divorce. Things won't be better" - Zira

Reason why I am not shifting (yet)

Things are really hard right now. But I shall put a strong out front because my future cannot be affect by this. This will not affect my grades in school. It's not worth at all cost!

Well, the stories goes like...

Ayah refuse to sell the house because if the current house is to be sold, almost half of his CPF is given to my mom (please dont divorce when you are 50! Dah nak mati pon. Endure je. BURDEN RABAK GILA!!) which is about 200k and he is left with the about the same amount. If either one of them wants to buy a house, the amount is insufficient to buy a house similar to the current one to contain my siblings and either one of my parents. What you expect, a 4 room flat cost about 350K or 400++ k!

Yes, you may say "can loan bank what!" The thing is my dad is not able to work yet, and Mak is not working currently. To be eligible to buy a house, you need at least 1.5 years of CPF contribution consistently. Simply means must work!

Rabak or what!

The solution that Ayah came out is, my siblings and I should stay at Bt Batok because he is able to pay the house for 10 years before his CPF become exhausted. Means, no need to pay $1300 monthly for house. Means we just need to pay monthly bills. Ayah need to stay Bedok i guess. Ayah don't mind at all.


"This bukit batok house is for all of you (my siblings and I). Even I'm not working, I can still pay for the house and you all must stay here until you get married or become independent financially to get a house. If its hard for Mak to stay in Yishun, come back by batok. I let her stay here for two years before she prove to me that she can house herself and all of you".


What a thoughtful father I have here. Well, I'm on my way to Yishun to discuss about this with Mak and hopefully Kakak is there. I can't handle this alone man.

Sabr

"Sabar, zira. Allah kan selalu ada. Human nature!"

It's hard when miscommunication occurs and people choose to keep it to the heart. I have two ways to solve it

One. Forget it and really forget it.

Two. If it doesn't work, go get things right!! Fight. Fight doesn't mean it's always not good. Fight for your opinion to be heard and judged. Justice is all we need.

Insta-happiness

I find joy in reciting the Quran. It's a healer for stressed out body and mind. #Instanthappiness

It somehow light up a little light of hope in myself.

forgive me if im wrong

“Most of the sins committed by the son of Adam are sins of the tongue.”

I'm no a perfect person. I do commit sins to Allah, my family and even friends perhaps. I may end up disappointing my loved ones by my actions and words. Nevertheless, I'll keep trying my best to be a good servant of Allah/daughter/sister/girlfriend/friend. If I really do hurt some of you intentionally or unintentionally, please please please, nudge me and tell me what I've done is a bad thing and deserve criticism. I tend to be unaware that my actions and its consequences, really. Know why? Cos I applied the concept of forgive, forget and really forget and I kinda expect people to do the same too.

The fact that I'm naturally not concerned about what people think about me, this post really means something. The truth is I've never had ill intention to hurt or to put people down at my own advantage and forgive everyone who've hurt me or ill-treated me.

Forgive me.

I'm friendly lah

Sometimes I think people think that I'm anti-social when I'm actually not if they know me better. I am not good with crowd but I'm good with a personal one to one conversation.

Gotta keep being positive! Jia you!

Reflections

Here am I lying down on my mattress thinking of life. It feels so surreal that in polytechnic, a place that was near to impossible to get in. In just a few months time, I'm gonna graduate already. Masyaallah! Tabarakallah! Praises to The One who made it possible, Our Creator, Allah S.W.T.

May Allah uplift my team spirits to get things going as soon as possible. Need to graduate already!

Fening lalat

Major headache right here.

Syafakillah, ya Nadzirah! <3

Lesson time

Today I snoozed my alarm so many times.

Even so, school is fun! I did a lot on my part and facilitator compliment it.

Barakallah!

My first day of school

It feels really like the first day of school during primary school.

A good day ahead, perhaps! InsyaAllah. #love

A lil hope

I hope school get more interesting and inviting cos I have a love-hate relationship with school.

"Oh Allah, uplift my spirits to do well on school cos you are the only one can help. Amin". #self-motivation

Post holiday mood

I'm still lying down. So hard to get up.

Nevertheless, gonna get up and start the day! Guide me, oh Allah.

Death

We always forget one important thing about all funerals that we've attended.

1. It's the first time they died and that they have never experienced death before.

- The first time their souls parted from the body.
- The first time they are being laid down and buried.
- The first time they meet Munkar Nakir

And...

There's no way they can come back to earth and tell us their well-being IF they are doing badly.  What about us? Subbahanallah! #somethingtoponder

May Allah show, guide, and hold our iman right up.

The discussion.

Now that blogging is so much of hassle-free task, I blog.

Right after 'jogging session', we (more like me) ate nasi ayam at gombak and then bought some peanut butter bread.

We sat just beside Hong Kah Community Centre and discuss about how upset life can be. It turned out to be a heart to heart kinda thing.

Ever felt a burden just fall out of your body? I felt it.

Oh lala. Alhamdulillah. Praises to Allah for such a faithful and loyal companion <3

Ultimate failure

What's wrong with me! I am sitting right in front of bt gombak stadium and has no mood at all to jog. What the ****

"Abbi, you jog okay! I wait for you".

#dasarbudakgemok #postNYE #sleepAt7AM

The great begining

Goodbye 2012

"All mysteries were uncovered. May Allah guide us to rightful ways".