rant

Just let me rant for a while before I start doing my FYP. (please don't read if you are already messed up! its not a good post to read actually, no, seriously! back off!)

1. I just need one person who is stable emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and spiritually. Reason being is although I might look all tuned and composed, I am such a big mess now. So when things get too messed up, I have a back-up to fall on which is this particular person whom I don't know who. I don't have a dad and a mom. I mean literally staying with me and comforting me. They are not directly helping me to be a person that I want to be. I am living on my own with a little sister in an empty house where both of us are struggling to live as normal as possible. I'm living on my own moral support. See, how messed up is that?

The person I can look up for now is idli. I'm not saying he's not good enough because I can't expect a 23 year old guy to be as strong as a father. But I've been pushing him because I need that strength and I cannot always be the one being the pillar. I cannot always live in a state of uncertainties and unanswered. In short, not stable. My life is full with i-dont-know and I don't need anymore of that.

It takes just one thing to mess the hell out of me. Go home and not finding my dad. It was okay at first but its been more than a week since he's back. I've got questions like where did he go? is he safe there? Is everything gonna be okay? To make things worst, my aunt called and ask where is my dad? So what I'm gonna answer her? "Tak tahu ayah mana?" Doesn't it show how bad child am I not responsible for my own parents well being? Somemore he's sick and blaah, don't know where he went to. This actually pressed me even further but I've always been pushing it as far as possible. I kinda getting sick and tired of it.

2. Duit. My HP bills has outstanding balance of $470 and the bursary is not even out yet. My money is gone buying groceries and to sustain myself. But it was insufficient. I'm not complaining but sometimes it just came out from my mouth.

3. I don't know how I survived my days in this POLY when there's not even a WIFI at home. Its not even convenient to do my school work here. THANK GOD ITS THE LAST SEMESTER! My parents cannot complain if my GPA is so lowwwww cos I'm trying my best to live normally.

4. The thing I kept telling myself at the end of the day is things gonna be alright, zira! At the same time, I keep telling myself "Things won't get easier...".  

Above all, actually I aint too sad about how bad is life. I just need one special motivation to keep me going for at least this 1 critical month left for school. And this explains why I post the blog entry right below this post. Not those, "Zira, I believe you can do well" kinda thing. Cos I might just tell you off "I also believe that you can shut your bloody mouth up and don't give such a philosophic kinda of advice which i can google it my fucking self".

I just need a moral booster like maybe someone who likes me confess to me? HAHAHA!